Monday, 02 May 2011
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As the Youth Die Young
5/1/2011 is a day that many will remember as the day that Osama bin Laden was killed.In Northern VA, in a school I will not mention, we will remember it as the day that our beloved classmate committed suicide.
How? Why? When? What? No. No, it cannot be. The reaction of many students and myself as I heard the news was incredulous. One of my friends phoned me to tell me. Check it out on facebook. Everyone's status hailed him as a kind guy, a loving guy, a great athlete with a great smile. He had taught us all so much. And he really was all that they say. The worst part was that he is the last guy you would expect. The happiest guy ever. The happiest. EVERYONE knew him. At a vigil held at my school tonight, so many people came forward and said how he had done all these daring things; he was so bold; he talked to the people no one talked to. He encouraged those who needed encouragement. He was lightning fast. A track star and he had a bright future ahead of him. I feel for the family (aunts and uncles who took care of him) and also the cross-country coach at my school is the most passionate guy you will ever meet. I hear from other students that he had been living with Coach for a while and I cannot imagine the emotional and psychological turmoil he is going through right now to have lost someone who was in the best sense like a son to him. He has lost his own son. For A. Coach, was not just Coach. He was a friend, provider, guardian, a loving father. I know first hand Coach's passion and dedication to his athletes as I ran cross-country for three years.
Life is short. Appreciate the people you have in your life. And only have kind words for others. Everyone is walking a path in life that we may not know or understand. Let us not judge, but rather extend our hands to other human beings.
A., I didn't get to know you too well, but I have seen the impact you have had on so many lives. You are always loved, and you will be remembered. Our prayers go to your family and all those who loved you.
Please smile at a stranger today. Please say a kind word or two to another. Peace. Love.
Monday, 19 April 2010
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Beauty in the Eyes of the Beholder
My ugliness has enabled me to see the beauty in others. Perhaps if I were beautiful like them, I'd also be quick to judge. Perhaps, I would notice that the weather lady's dress was too tight, even before my mother pointed it out; or that one of the featured girls in the magazine needs makeup because she looks pale and sick; or that Emily's dress is too bright; or Jen's clothing isn't matching; or Evie's nose is weird. I don't see it. I really don't. My mother also said that the weather lady's boobs were lopsided. She said it was because her dress was so tight. No mom, it's because she's standing at an angle. Her boobs look just fine - and how could you even notice that? The lady was talking about the volcanic ash creeping up over Europe, and if this is the first time you're hearing it, I'm pretty sure you'd be shocked, looking at the map showing the concentration of volcanic ash over Europe, instead of scrutinizing the lady presenting the info to pick at every flaw. She was beautiful by the way.
The girl in the magazine did not need makeup at all. In fact, maybe she was already wearing some, but just a little bit in order not to overdo it. I was kinda shocked when my friend said that. The girl was absolutely gorgeous. She's one of those people that if they did wear makeup, and they took it off one day, you'd say 'Um why? This girl actually looks better without makeup.' Natural beauty just emanated from her. Yes, Emily's dress was really bright, but I thought bright was in? Yes, Jen indeed was wearing clothing with colors that didn't exactly all jive together. But why's that my problem or yours? If she feels just fine in her mismatchment, then I think that's the end of that. No comments necessary; really. And Evie's nose - wow. I don't even know where that one came from. Evie is so beautiful. And there's nothing wrong with her nose. It made me even think that my friend, B, who told me that has nose issues or something.
Once I was in gym class, a girl, D, told me that she'd never seen an ugly person. Or in other words, she really didn't think that anyone is ugly. I said 'wow. really?' I expressed surprise, but when I look back on it, I don't understand why I did. Because at the time she said it, I also could see the beauty in everyone. She wasn't the only person with that powerful ability; or perhaps blindsight, as others may consider it. No, she's not the only one who has the power to lay eyes on what the world calls filth, murkiness, disaster, and make it beautiful. No, she's not the only one. I can do it too - I can look at the one they call Ugly, and give her/him a new name called Beautiful, Gorgeous, Handsome, Absolutely Stunning. I see the beauty in everyone. When my mother sees Lindsay Lohan's freckles she asks "Why do they think that's cute? That looks like pig's skin." And I don't tell her I think it's one of the most beautiful things about Ms. Lohan. And her gorgeous red hair too. Some people talk about MO (she goes to my school). They say she thinks she's all that. But she IS all that. She's one of those people that it's not just me and a few other people that see that she's really beautiful. Everyone sees it. If they say no, they're lying. No I'm not going to say pretty, or gorgeous, like us girls usually do. She's absolutely stunning. And even though I've been talking about physical beauty, she also is really beautiful on the inside. Such a lovely person.
People are harsh. Both girls and boys. At first, I thought it was just us girls. But after overhearing many conversations among guys, I've come to the conclusion that boys gossip too; they talk about people's looks, and they are just as harsh. People complain about the way everyone looks without looking at themselves first. They say that girl is too dark - but I only see her stunning complexion: free of blemishes or acne, or anything. And I wish that I had that kind of skin. Because I know that oh if only I had such wonderful skin, I would be beautiful too. They say that girl's hair looks horrible - but I can see the style - its a tousled look, and it looks just fine. Besides, didn't they notice the unique red color? She pulls it off quite well. They say that girl's forehead is enormous and I wonder if they are secretly slandering my forehead in their mind because mine is hu-giganticanormous. They say that boy is ugly. But I don't understand - don't they see how handsome he is? Don't they notice how his skin is a beautiful olive hue? Don't they feel that calm aura and peaceful swag he exudes? Yes, you get the point. I see beautiful in everyone.
Except me. And one other girl (But that's a story for another blog. And she's very much linked w/me)
I don't know how I got this way. But I kinda blame my mom, and I also blame my friends, and above all, I blame myself. I love my mom, I really do, but I feel that the way we think is so radically different. Right now, we're not even talking, and she's cooking as I type this blog. We've exchanged very few words in three days, counting today. I love my mother. I really do (but that's also a story for another blog). Last year, sophomore year, I was so conceited on the inside. Dude, I thought I was the shit. I really considered myself one of the most beautiful people I ever laid eyes on. Nothing that anyone said could faze me, because when I looked in the mirror, I saw beautiful. That notion changed in a day. In the first few months of my sophomore year, I wore hoop earrings all the time - cuz I looked good them. Hoop earings or dangling earrings. I never wore studs. I never left home without my earrings. I had to have 'em. Then one day when I stayed after school, after bouncing all around everywhere with one of my close friends, we'll call her Sf, I discovered while standing in front of the bathroom mirror that I was missing an earring. Shock. Horror. I was walking around w/ only one earring in my ear!! I couldn't do that because that looked tacky, but I also didn't want to take the remaining earring out of my ear because then I would look ugly! Because that's kind of what my mom has told me. That when I don't wear earrings, I look like shit. Yes, the mother I love. And she's so much better than this. I guess the topic of this blog just only presents the bad side of her. I refused to step out of the bathroom even though Sf had done her best to convince me that I look exactly the same without earrings. At that moment, something snapped. What if I'm caught up in a moment outside of my home without my earrings? Would i feel ugly and shitty then? I stopped wearing earrings. I decided that if only those metallic objects could render me pretty, then I'd rather be ugly. And to this day, I choose ugly.
I started wearing earrings again a few months later, but I stopped wearing the dangles and hoops. I wear studs even though I know the dangles and hoops look so much better. I make it a point to go earring -less on some days. And no matter what some of my "friends" say. I stand my ground. I would rather look ugly than succumb to your wishes and put my hair back up, or straighten my hair, or wear eyeliner, or not wear those jeans, or take the headband off, or "put on the other sleeve of your backpack on" (yes, a "friend" has actually told me that! Because apparently it looks extremely weird and she doesn't want to be seen with that one-sleeve wearing backpack weirdo. wow. I know.)
They lie to me. They tell me I'm cute, but I see right through their lies. Because why would I need to fix so many things if I'm already cute like they say? Why do I need to stop braiding my hair because "it makes you look like a little kid; Just leave your hair out like this. It's so much better." Why do I need to wear makeup "because I like you a lot with that eyeliner." Why do I need to straighten my hair, or wear earrings, or put my hair back up because it looks weird down. And then this year, people started telling me I look like that freshman girl. Not one person, not just a few handful; but almost everyone who has seen both of us. What freshman girl? Who? Where? Then one day, I saw her, because my friend Sf, pointed her out. When I saw the girl they were comparing me to, it marked the first time that I saw someone and I couldn't see the beauty in her. I thought she was ugly. And if she's ugly, then I'm ugly too, because apparently I look exactly like her. Even though when I see us, I think 'how? why? we look nothing alike.' (Anyway, that's also a story for another blog.) I feel as though until I can see the beauty in that girl, my ability is useless.
In the vision of my future, I see a beautiful woman. She is dressed in white. She has wild afro hair that doesn't blow in the wind. It's stiff and very thick, hard to comb, unless it's straight. But she only straightens it occasionally. They tell me not to cut my hair, but when I turn eighteen, by God's grace, I'll cut my hair. I will shave it all off. Start anew with nappy, tight hair, in which every strand coils onto itself. I want my hair to be healthy and natural, and not permed like it is now. I want to wear whatever I want, and fly on the clouds, and climb up unto rooftops and count the stars, and look at beautiful people. And I'll be fine. I'll be okay. And I can't wait for college, cuz I need me some new friends.
Tuesday, 09 February 2010
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We used to be friends
"A long time ago, we used to be friends. But I haven't thought of you lately at all. If ever again a greeting I send to you; short and sweet to the soul is all I intend"
I fanned a facebook group called "Looking at someone you used to be close with & thinking what happened to us." Well, I often look at my friend, Lena (you know that's not her name) and wonder what happened to us. We used to be friends. Yes, we're still friends. But we used to be friends.
I hope she'll look at her facebook news feed and see that Camille (you know that's not my name) became a fan of this group. Then she'll know. But I know that's just wishful thinking. She may see it, but she won't even know. It won't even glance accross her mind for a second that it might be her - 'What? Of course, not.'
We say hi whenever we cross each other in the hall. She always looks sad. But she looks happy when she's with her friends. I've seen her laughing and smiling; I've seen Lena being Lena. I don't understand. "Is it something I said. Or someone i know"Maybe "you called me up, maybe I wasn't home." It's as though the sight of me just makes her sad, or angry, or annoyed. Or maybe that's just her face. Or maybe not. Because I know better. Because I know my Lena. Because we used to be friends.
Because I've known her since 7th grade. And because she was the first true friend I made since I first came into the U.S. I don't understand. I don't even remember how we met. It's strange. I always remember the first time I met someone. But it doesn't matter. Because I remember everything else. I remember that you and I would laugh for hours about nothing. I have a new friend who I laugh about nothing with for hours, but I still remember you, and I remember how we used to be friends. I remember that I never came to your house and you never came to mine. And I remember that we never hung out outside of school, and somehow our friendship was stronger than those who spent their spring break glued to each others' hips.
I remember that whenever you went to the office, they'd call you "Camille", and you would say, "No, I'm Lena" and then you'd tell me about it. "Tell me about it, we look nothing alike!" You're taller, you're outgoing, you're so much prettier. I remember the new guy who I thought I saw in a movie, then i realized he was from my old school. Silly me! They called him DH. And I remember how I laughed when you tried to flirt with him. I remember how you hated that girl, and you didn't know why. I remember how you taught me the art of comebacks. You taught me the art of sarcasm as well. And I am eternally grateful.
"Is is something I did. Or someone I know. Or you called me up, maybe i wasn't home." I still don't understand. In 8th grade, she loved me more than she did in 7th grade, and even though I pretended to be suffocated by her hugs, I was loving every second of it. Deep down in my heart of hearts, I truly believed we were unofficial best friends. No one had to say it, even though we never spent any time outside of school; in fact the only time we did spend with each other was always a few seconds small talking because we barely saw each other anymore. We had no classes together. And yet whenever she saw me, I swear she would literally jump up on me and hug me suffocating me. I love to be loved, so naturally I loved Lena. She is seriously the closest thing I ever had to a best friend.
In high school, it started to fall apart. I think the foundations of our friendship were already shaky by the end of 8th grade, but it was still hanging in there. She told my other friend (yes we had another friend. We were kind of a trio, but somehow I always felt more connected to Lena. I think she felt equally connected to both of us) that I was ignoring her. And "the other friend" confided in her that she felt the same way - I was ignoring her too. According to both of them, I didn't even say hi anymore. Really? I thought I did. But they just felt that maybe I didn't want to be friends with them anymore. Naturally I was hearbroken. But I still did what you do in this situation - I would say a really loud hi whenever I passed any of them in the halls and I always made sure to smile a lot at them and talk to them about something! Just something! Even if I had nothing to say, I had to say something.
I've fanned another facebook group called "I make fun of you because I love you. Don't take it personally." She taught me the art of sarcasm. So naturally, I could use it on her w/o her getting mad. And that's what friends do. We tease each other, we make fun of each other, but at the end of each day, we got your back more than your boyfriend who's got his arms all over it. I guess I was wrong. I would compliment her "Lena, your hair looks gorgeous...but mine looks betterrr
" And I was just teasing. Anyone would know that. So why didn't Lena know? I don't get it...she taught me this. When i would pass her by the hall, "Eww, it's Lena" But it was getting to her. She kept telling me how mean I was being to her and i didn't understand! One time after my sarcastic comment, she said "Camille you're so mean". And it wasn't "Camille, you're so mean...". it was "omg. Camille you're so mean
" (Now another girl does this "eww...it's lena" thing w/her and she sees perfectly fine with it!!?)10th grade - BEST.YEAR.EVER. No, Lena and I did not become unofficial best friends again. We didn't solve everything in our past. Yet again, we had no classes together, but I had become friends with a girl who I absolutely love. She is a really really good friend. She's the one I mentioned before - laughing over nothing for hours. We even formed our own little dance troupe w/ two other girls. We went places. We hung out outside of school. A lot. She is really fun. But whenever I saw Lena around, I was still sad. Because yet again, we had new problems. According to her, whenever I saw her, it was "Hi Lena! Do you have chapstick?" or "Hi Lena! Can I use some of that vanilla spray?" She called me a "user! You are such a user!" she would say. "User? Is that even a word?" I kinda liked it. At least we talked a little bit more now. But still on another level, it bothered me because Lena actually seemed pretty bothered about my "userness". I was on the track team. When I would go to run, I would sometimes see her and her dance crew and we would chat for bit sometimes. Once we chatted in the bathroom. We sat on the bathroom floor and laughed. Yes, I remember. I don't even know what we were talking about. But it doesn't matter. I went home really happy. We had started being friends again.
Or maybe not.11TH GRADE - this is present time. We say hi whenever we cross each other in the hall. She always looks sad. But she looks happy when she's with her friends. I've seen her laughing and smiling; I've seen Lena being Lena. I don't understand. "Is it something I said. Or someone i know"? I don't fucking understand! Give me a clue! I'll swear I'll catch it.
A few months ago, I sat at her table at lunch. I usually sit with another group of friends. But I didn't even know Lena had my lunch so naturally I was overjoyed when I saw her. I pulled up one of the janitor's chairs - yes I did! - because all the seats were already taken. I was that eager to sit with her. I ate rice and pork. It was really greasy (I know yuck!) And Lena commented on how greasy it was. I managed to talk to her and be happy. I was really genuinely happy to have an hour with her, because we barely talk anymore! The whole time she commented on how greasy my food looked. Sure, we managed to laugh about a few things here and there. I asked her for a dollar to buy something from the vending machine. "Ohhhh myGod". yup. that's exactly how she said it "Ohhhhh myGod". "No Camille. You are such a user." "I swear I'll pay you back". She had bills in her purse. I saw them before I asked her. She battered me about how I'm such a user and always ask her for stuff. Really? But I barely even see you. She commented on how gross my food looked. After lunch, I was sad. I don't understand. I thought we had started being friends. She seemed disgusted by me. By me eating greasy pork and rice and me being a "user".
I've kinda stopped trying. But it still makes me sad. Our story just never ends....if she doesn't move, if I don't move, if God wills, we will see 12th grade together. It'll be my last chance to get my frienship right with Lena. There are some things I need to clarify. Because I still don't understand.
I fanned a facebook group called "Looking at someone you used to be close with & thinking what happened to us."
"Just remember me when you're good to go"
***So if any of you are not familiar with the quotes, well, they are from the song "We used to be friends" by the Dandy Warhols. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgrRRNwj7mU
